Sunday, December 16, 2012

A season of change


Here I am again. In the same familiar dilemma I find myself in far too often. I'm feeling restless, questioning where my niche is, what my passion is, and what I want to do with my one precious life. Usually I can quiet and calm that little voice with a little travel and an afternoon in the studio, but its gotten to be every. single. day.

Here's the deal: I'm a writer by trade, yet I still feel that I haven't found my "voice" in blogging. I'm used to news writing...technically crafted with little emotion. So it's been a challenge to let my crazy personality shine through, because it's such a contrast to what I do every day. But believe me, I've loved having this creative outlet. I've looked forward to creating pretty projects for my readers and sharing bits of my life with friends (even if my posts are fewer and far-between than I'd like them to be).

But, I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut, creatively speaking and otherwise. The lack of opportunity in my little town is creeping in and making me feel stuck, and my husband feels the same. I've been reading a lot of Donald Miller's Storyline blog that addresses some of the uncertainty that's been tearing at me. (It's a great read, as are his books, and I highly recommend you check it out). It's all about crafting an interesting, wonderful life...a life of purpose, adventure and service to others. One of his questions was "Where do you see yourself in five years if you changed nothing?" My sad response was "exactly where I am now."  I'll sadly have wasted what's left of my youth living the "All-American Dream" but with no sense of fulfilment, purpose or passion.

Which comes back to my nagging urge to be an artist. In college, my 18-year-old self chose a practical major and silenced the little girl who would lock herself in her room to get lost in a magical place of sewing, painting and playing. What makes our society think that our 18-year-old selves should be making any sort of lifelong decisions at our tender young age?

I feel like doors are closing to pursuing my passion. It's partly because of my inability to reign in those dreams and pursue them full-time; the fear of leaving the comfortable, predictable paycheck to explore an uncertain future. I think the economy is partly to blame, making us feel like we're the lucky ones to have that steady salary and making us afraid to take a risk and do something crazy like follow our dreams. I'm working so hard in my career and networking to further that career that I can barely find time to make things with my hands and stimulate my soul.

And so, as we're getting to that time of year where we are looking forward to a fresh start, the new year's resolutions will soon take on new meaning. It's going to be a lifestyle change. A year of changing those "can'ts into cans, and those dreams into plans." With a little wanderlust, listening to my gypsy soul, and embracing my endless dreamer mentality, I'm going to find who I am and be who I was always meant to be. I hope you'll stick around for the ride!

Do you ever feel like you're pursing a paycheck over your passion? What is holding you back from following your dreams? Tell me in the comment section.

xoxo,

K

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